Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
