apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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