Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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