just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
