What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
