yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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