You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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