listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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