i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hippo gnu deer
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
