I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
