He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
