My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
