he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
