I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
