I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
