totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
i out mim tonsoeep
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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