I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
