If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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