I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
