So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
