In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
