so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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