So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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