It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
