i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
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We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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