oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
