I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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