I wish I could punch you in the face.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I supernannyed him into submission
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
