Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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