Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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