my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
