If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
