We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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