Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
