Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
