I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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