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Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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