i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
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