Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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