dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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