i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
