Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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