in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
