you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
