I cannot find my penis.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
