Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
