Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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