I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
