We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
