you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
