Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
