I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
