I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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