So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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