Swine flu. Run for my life!
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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